What the Heart Knows Read online

  Outside on the porch Jared descended the steps. “When I signed up to be a parent, I didn’t realize all that it entailed.”

  “Parents rarely do the first time around.”

  “How about the first time with each sex? Raising a boy is so different from raising a girl.”

  “You won’t get an argument from me.”

  “You see, I knew there was something about you I liked. No arguments.”

  She laughed. “Don’t count on it. I love to argue when I feel I’m right.”

  “Is that a warning?”

  “You bet.” Kathleen lifted her face to the sun and relished the warmth on her skin. The June air was still cool, the breeze caressing. She inhaled then exhaled a deep breath, wishing the beauty of the day could wash away the turmoil churning in her stomach. “Before long summer will be in full swing, searing heat and all.” She peered toward the Ozark Mountains. “But for right now there’s still a touch of spring in this corner of Arkansas.”

  “My favorite time of year.” Jared started down the sidewalk toward the corner.

  “When everything is reborn,” she said, falling into step beside him.

  Ten minutes later Jared turned up the walk to a two-story redbrick house with two massive oak trees in front. Kathleen paused to admire the landscape. The yard was mowed and neatly trimmed with well-tended orange and yellow marigolds by the porch.

  She whistled. “What a beautiful yard. You and my dad have a lot in common. I think you’ll be a great candidate to take care of the gardens at church.”

  “The housekeeper takes care of the inside. I take care of the outside. I enjoy getting out and puttering around in the yard. Makes me forget about my worries for a short period of time.”

  “You see, that’s how I feel about the kitchen.”

  “How does Mark feel about yard work?”

  “He used to love it. He and John would spend hours working outside. Now he doesn’t want to do anything. I feel like a nag just getting him to mow our lawn.”

  She followed Jared up the steps to a huge porch that ran the length of his house. A profusion of potted plants adorned it as well as a swing and natural wicker furniture with bright yellow cushions. “Do you spend a lot of time out here?”

  “When I can, especially in the early morning and the evening right before the sun sets.”

  “Nice times of the day.”

  “It’s my quiet time.” Again his grin appeared, dimpling his cheeks. “At least the morning is my quiet time. The kids aren’t up yet. I can’t really say that about the evening. I’ve helped with many a homework assignments on that swing.”

  The front door swung open and Terry hurried outside. “Dad, Hannah won’t let anyone in. Let’s call the fire department. They can rescue her.”

  Jared put his hand on his son’s shoulder to stop his forward momentum. “I think they have better things to do with their time than that.”

  “Then how are we gonna get her out?”

  “She’s not stuck in there. She can come out anytime she wants.”

  “Mrs. Davis has tried everything. She yelled at her. She tried to bribe her. Nothing’s worked.”

  “Let’s go see what we can do.” Jared hugged his son to his side for a few seconds before entering the house.

  Upstairs Mrs. Davis, who had brown hair streaked with gray and pulled back into a severe bun, stood in the middle of the hallway in front of what was obviously the main bathroom, tapping her foot against the brown-carpeted floor. Her irritated expression underscored her exasperated stance.

  “I’ll take over, Mrs. Davis. Thanks for letting me know.”

  The rotund, large woman huffed and rushed past Jared, Terry and Kathleen, mumbling about being behind in her work.

  Jared approached the closed door and leaned against it. “Hannah, come out and let’s talk.”

  “No! Go away. I hate being a girl.”

  “I can’t do that, Hannah,” Jared said in a gentle voice. “Kathleen has come over to see you.”

  Kathleen stepped closer until she, too, was leaning into the door. “I thought maybe you and I could talk woman-to-woman.”

  Nothing came from Hannah for almost three minutes, then Kathleen heard the lock click and the door eased open.

  “Come in.”

  Kathleen went into the bathroom. Terry tried to follow. His sister blocked his way with her hands on her hips. She stuck out her lower lip, her eyes pinpoints, silently daring him to enter her domain.

  “Terry, please go help Mrs. Davis now,” Jared said behind the boy.

  Terry groaned but headed down the hall. Hannah immediately locked the door again. Kathleen sat on the lip of the bathtub while the twelve-year-old plopped down on the closed lid of the toilet. Her hands folded in front of her, the young girl stared at the cream-colored tile on the floor.

  Kathleen waited a few minutes to see if Hannah would say anything. When she didn’t speak, Kathleen said, “I can still remember my first time. I was scared. I didn’t know what to feel. My mother is great, but she was always uncomfortable talking about things like that. I wasn’t sure what was happening to me.”

  Hannah looked straight at her. “Dad gave me a book. It explained everything. That’s not the problem.”

  When the young girl didn’t elaborate, Kathleen asked, “What is the problem? Maybe I can help.”

  Hannah’s bottom lip quivered. “Can you stop it?”

  “No, it’s a natural routine in a woman’s life.”

  “But I don’t want it. I don’t feel well. I—”

  Kathleen squatted in front of Hannah. “Do you have cramps?”

  She shook her head. “I’m not myself. I don’t know how to describe it.”

  Kathleen placed her hand over the young girl’s. “Out of sorts?”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s common. Our body’s hormones can affect our moods.”

  Her eyes watery with unshed tears, Hannah bit her teeth into her bottom lip. “Why does this have to happen to me?”

  Kathleen hid her smile, wondering how many women have thought that very same question. “It’s part of God’s plan. As you know from the book you read, having periods is tied to a woman being able to have children.”

  “I don’t wanna change. I like everything the way it is,” Hannah said with a sniff.

  “That, too, is part of life. Change will happen. I guarantee it.” Kathleen remembered her earlier comments about her life changing. She hadn’t wished hers to change, either.

  “Can I still play sports when I’m—?” Hannah’s question faded into silence, her teeth digging into her lower lip even more.

  “Of course. But as you become a young woman, you’ll need to see about getting things like a bra. Do you have one now?”

  Hannah’s eyes grew round. “No! I don’t want one.”

  “When you play sports, it’s better to wear one. I could go with you to get a sports bra if you want.”

  “Sports bra?” Hannah thought that over for a moment. “Okay—I guess so. If I have to.”

  “Can I help you with anything else? Do you know how to take care of yourself? Do you have everything you need?”

  “Yes. Dad gave me a box of pads when he gave me the book to read.”

  “Do you have any other concerns I can help you with?” Kathleen pushed to her feet, suddenly realizing she missed not having a daughter. John and she had wanted more children, but it wasn’t to be.

  “When can we go shopping?”

  Noticing the puffy redness around Hannah’s eyes, Kathleen took the washcloth from the towel rack and wet it. After handing it to the young girl, she said, “I’ll talk to your father and set a date if that’s okay with you.”

  Hannah wiped her face, mumbling into the terry cloth, “You don’t think Dad will get mad if I go with you instead of him?”

  Kathleen smiled at the young girl. “I think he’ll be all right with just the two of us going.”

  “Thanks, Kathleen,”
Hannah said as Kathleen left the bathroom.

  Jared leaned against the wall across from her. When he saw her, he shoved away and started toward the bathroom, worry creasing his brow, his eyes dark. “Do I need to talk to Hannah?”

  Kathleen stopped him with a hand on his arm. The second her skin touched his she knew her mistake. Her fingertips tingled as though an electrical current had passed between them. She immediately dropped her hand to her side. “She’s fine. Give her a few minutes to wash her face, compose herself.”

  He stared at the closed door, the hard line of his jaw attesting to his continued concern. “Are you sure she—”

  The door opened and Hannah emerged, her face scrubbed clean, all evidence of her tears gone. “Dad, I’m sorry.” Her gaze remained glued to the floor, her shoulders hunched. “I didn’t mean for you to come home.”

  His tension siphoned from his expression, the taut muscles in his neck and shoulders relaxing as a grin appeared on his face. “I’m just glad you’re okay. You know you can talk to me about anything.”

  A blush tinted Hannah’s cheeks. She shuffled from one foot to the other.

  “Well, I guess just about anything. I know there’ll be some things that will be hard for you to talk to me about. But I want you to realize that I’ll love you no matter what.”

  Hannah finally glanced up, tears misting her eyes. “I know, Daddy. I love you.” She threw herself into his arms and hugged him tightly.

  When Jared stepped back, his arms stayed on Hannah’s shoulders, compelling her to continue looking at him. “There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.” He cleared his throat. “Now how about a glass of lemonade? We could drink it on the porch.”

  “I’m supposed to meet Bobby and the gang at his house. I’d better go before they start asking questions. You and Kathleen have a glass of lemonade. She has something to ask you.” Hannah flew down the stairs, leaving her astonished father watching her.

  “You’re wonderful with your daughter.”

  Jared swung his attention to Kathleen. “What do you need to ask me?”

  “I promised I would take Hannah shopping—for a bra.”

  “Oh, I didn’t—I should have realized.”

  “Most fathers don’t want even to acknowledge that their little girl is growing up. It doesn’t surprise me you didn’t think about it.”

  He plowed his hand through his hair. “What else have I forgotten?”

  “You’re doing fine. Being a single parent isn’t easy. I never realized how much I depended on John until he was gone.”

  A frown descended on Jared’s face. He started for the stairs. “Do you want a glass of lemonade?”

  The rigid set to his shoulders spoke more than words. There was a lot of pain bottled up in Jared. She wasn’t even sure he was aware of how much. Having gone through her own kind of pain, she wished she could wipe his away with the brush of her hand. Maybe being there as a friend would help not only Hannah but him, as well. She liked being needed as a woman to a man and missed that since John’s death.

  “That sounds refreshing after our near jog here.”

  “I’m sorry about that. I’ve always walked fast and with the problem concerning Hannah—” He shrugged, not finishing his sentence.

  “I understand. I’m just glad I could help.”

  “Make yourself comfortable on the porch. I’ll get the lemonades and bring them out.”

  Kathleen made her way to the porch and sat in the wooden swing. She couldn’t forget the swift change in Jared’s demeanor. The dark shadows in his eyes revealed his struggle to maintain his composure, to push memories away. How much was he keeping inside? Men often didn’t talk about their emotions. They locked them away, denying they existed. Her yearning to feel needed, to help, grew.

  The bang of the screen door alerted her to his approach. She glanced up and saw that he had himself under control, a neutral expression on his face. He handed her one glass and folded himself into a wicker chair opposite the swing. For just a second regret whipped through her—she told herself it was only because it was harder to carry on a conversation with him several yards away instead of next to her on the swing.

  He took a sip of his drink. “Did Mark say anything more about why he smashed his guitar?”

  She stiffened, reminded of her own set of problems. “No, he just insisted that he didn’t want to play it anymore.” Kathleen drank some of her lemonade to quench the ache in her throat.

  “In my practice I’ve seen some teenagers have a rougher time growing up than others. Keep watching him closely. Be there for him when he needs you.”

  “That’s just it. He doesn’t need me. He spends most of his time alone in his room when he’s at home.”

  “Maybe he was more upset about the move than you thought.”

  “When we got home last night, I talked to him again about it and he told me he didn’t care.” Guilt at the inability to help her son cloaked her in a heavy blanket, pressing her down.

  “Did you believe him?”

  “Yes. The last couple of months in Shreveport he wasn’t hanging around his friends like he used to. I tried talking to him about it but didn’t get anywhere. Do you think I was just hoping he didn’t care because I wanted to move?” She needed someone to tell her she had made the right decision in coming home.

  Jared put his half-empty glass on the wicker table next to him. “Why did you want to move back to Crystal Springs?”

  “I needed a change. My memories of Crystal Springs have always been fond ones.”

  “But not Shreveport?”

  She downed the rest of her lemonade as though she hadn’t drunk anything in days. “In Shreveport I found myself unable to move on in my life. I tried for a year and a half and finally acknowledged it wasn’t going to happen if I stayed.” Everywhere I turned I was reminded of how little control I have over my life, she silently added. I need control back.

  “When you move, the memories go with you.”

  “You can’t hide from yourself?”

  “Exactly.” He leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands, nothing casual about him. “Don’t give up on God. He hasn’t abandoned you.”

  “I’ve lost my husband and now I feel like I’m losing my son.”

  “If I can do anything about it, I won’t let you lose your son.”

  The vehemence in his voice underscored his intentions, making Kathleen feel that she wasn’t alone. If she wasn’t careful, she could come to depend on Jared Matthews a great deal and she couldn’t let that happen. John’s death had rocked her world. She wouldn’t go through that kind of pain ever again.

  Chapter Three

  Returning to the church’s recreational hall Sunday evening, Kathleen cracked the door open and peered inside. Twenty teenagers sat listening to Jared describe their latest fundraiser. Mark had reluctantly agreed to coming this evening and was next to his cousin, Shane, his gaze on the floor. She wasn’t even sure if her son was hearing a word Jared was saying. Mark’s features were devoid of any expression. Seeing her son like that sent a chill down her spine.

  Kathleen slipped inside the room while Jared wrapped up what everyone needed to do before the next week’s meeting. He caught her eye and smiled.

  “Before we adjourn to the volleyball court, let’s pray,” Jared said, bowing his head. “Dear Heavenly Father, be with each and every one of these young people as they go through life. Help them to make the right choices and be there for them when they don’t. Amen.” Jared looked over the sea of teenagers. “The first game starts in ten minutes.”

  The recreational hall emptied, all except for Mark, Kathleen and Jared. Mark slouched in his chair, continuing to stare at the tiled floor.

  “Are you going to join us, Mark?” Jared asked, weaving his way through the rows of chairs toward Kathleen.

  Mark shot Kathleen a look that spoke of boredom and disinterest. “Yeah, I guess.”

  He pushed his lanky body, c
lad in black jeans and a black T-shirt, to his feet and trudged toward the door that led to outside.

  When he disappeared from view, Kathleen released her pent-up breath in a rush. “I gather he wasn’t an involved member of the group.”

  “No, but I did catch him listening a few times.”

  “I hope he’ll get involved more. Otherwise this summer will be an extremely long one for him. I think all he’d do is sit in his room all day if I didn’t make him do chores around the house or help his grandparents some.”

  “Besides listening to his music, what else does he do in his room?”

  “He likes to draw. He’s been drawing a lot in a sketch book I got for him.”

  “Have you looked at the sketches?”

  “No, he won’t show them to me, and I haven’t wanted to invade his privacy.”

  “Sometimes parents have to do things they don’t want to in order to protect their children.”

  “You think I should check the drawings out without him knowing?”

  “They may tell you what’s going on in his head. Try to get him to show you.” Jared swept his arm across his body. “Now, come on out and join the festivities. Have you ever played volleyball?”

  “Back in my younger days,” Kathleen replied, her mind dwelling on what Jared had said about Mark’s drawings. She had always respected her son’s privacy before, but— The thought of what she must do made her shiver.

  “It’s time to renew your skills,” Jared’s words cut into her musing. “Everyone plays. We rotate teams.”

  Stepping outside, Kathleen surveyed the newly mowed yard at the side of the church, the scent of cut grass peppering the air. A volleyball court with a net was set up near the picnic tables located under four large maple trees. “Which unlucky team gets me?”

  “Now where’s your positive thinking?”

  “When I heard you mention volleyball, I think I left it back in the recreational hall. I’m not very athletic.”

  “That’s fine.” He smiled, his blue eyes glittering. “I’ll just make sure I’m on the opposing team.”

  Kathleen sat on a bench next to Jared and watched the first two teams play a game, her son, who used to be a good athlete, doing as little as possible. Again she wondered if she’d been wrong to come back to Crystal Springs. Maybe Mark needed familiar surroundings at this stage in his life. This town wasn’t an unknown to her son, but it wasn’t the place where he’d grown up. Self-doubts plagued her. She didn’t know what to do anymore. In the past she’d always had John to talk things over with and to support any decision she’d made.